Depressing Anniversary

August 13th, 2016. 1:30 PM. Sandusky, OH.

The date, the time, the location.

A year ago I was supposed to walk down the aisle to the man that used to be the man of my dreams. Three months prior that changed.

A year ago me was depressed.

A year ago me cried multiple days out of the week.

A year ago me forced myself to eat, although I never felt hunger.

A year ago me would count the hours until I could be back in bed after work.

A year ago me was angry/sad/hurt/confused.

A year ago me couldn't shake the comment that came from the same person who was ultimately the reason why the wedding got postponed. (I was apparently "manipulating [someone] into thinking [I'm] a nice and wonderful person.")

A year ago me wouldn't have written this blog because I would've been told it might hurt someone's feelings.

A year ago me had emotional breakdowns at every wedding I went to after I knew I wasn't having my own.

A year ago me would eventually get told to "act normal" when I was at a wedding and started crying and couldn't breathe.

A year ago me was terrified to be around people because the first question asked was always, "so how's wedding planning?".

A year ago me always had to lie to people about the wedding to save myself tears.

A year ago me got really good at faking smiles and saying I was okay.

A year ago me struggled with life (physically, emotionally, and spiritually).

A year ago me didn't really want to live anymore, but decided to keep hoping that things would eventually get better.

I'm going to take you on a lyrical journey of a year ago me to present day me. Music has always been a way to express my feelings when I don't have the words. Last year it seemed that the artists whose songs I would listen to, were also going through seasons of struggle. Their words were an emotional outlet for me. It's like they knew exactly how I was feeling.

NF, Paralyzed:

“When did I become so numb? When did I lose myself? All the words that leave my tongue feel like they came from someone else. // Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things I know I should. I'm paralyzed. Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me - inside. // I'm paralyzed. Where's the person that I know? They must have left, they must have left with all my faith. // I'm scared to live but I'm scared to die.”

NF is newer to the Christian rapper scene, but he is undoubtedly my favorite. He has had many life struggles and uses music to express them. I had never related to the lyrics of a song as much as I had Paralyzed a year ago. Now when I hear the song, I cannot believe that I was in such a low place that the words used to perfectly described me. A year ago, I felt paralyzed.

Hillary Scott & The Scott Family, Thy Will:

“I don't wanna think, I may never understand that my broken heart is a part of Your plan. When I try to pray all I got is hurt and these four words: Thy will be done. // I know You're good, but this don't feel good right now. // I know You see me, I know You hear me, Lord. Your plans are for me, goodness You have in store.”

That first line of the lyrics above. I had no clue what the purpose of my broken heart was, all I knew was that it hurt so bad. I couldn’t pray. I didn’t know what to even say. I struggled mightily with my faith life. I didn’t know what I had done to deserve what I was going through.

Tenth Avenue North, Worn:

“I'm tired, I'm worn. My heart is heavy, from the work it takes to keep on breathing. // Let me see redemption win. Let me know the struggle ends, that You can mend a heart that's frail and torn. I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life and all that's dead inside can be reborn cause I'm worn. // I know I need to lift my eyes up, but I'm too weak. Life just won't let up."

I've almost typed out the entire song. If the lyrics make you feel down, imagine them describing your life. My heart was heavy. Everything in life seemed to be going wrong. Not only was I blindsided-ly not getting married, I was having health problems. I was losing my hair due to stress. I felt dead inside. I was waiting for the struggle to end. 

Casting Crowns, Just Be Held:

“If your eyes are on the storm, you'll wonder if I love you still. But if your eyes are on the cross, you'll know I always have and I always will. // And not a tear is wasted, in time, you'll understand. I'm painting beauty with the ashes, your life is in My hands.”

I’ve always thought of myself as a fairly optimistic person, however, I struggled with seeing the good in any of what I was going through last year. I shed way too many tears. My life felt like ashes. Songs like these gave me hope when I had none.

Danny Gokey, Tell Your Heart To Beat Again:

“Shattered, like you've never been before. The life you knew in a thousand pieces on the floor. Words fall short in times like these, when this world drives you to your knees. You think you're never gonna get back to the you that used to be. // Let every heartbreak and every scar be a picture that reminds you Who has carried you this far. ‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could. In this moment Heaven's working everything for your good.”

With being so sad, I really struggled with the idea that I would never be happy again. It sounds crazy, but all I had known for months was depression and I am generally a happy person. I didn’t know how to be happy or if I would ever feel it again. Truly, the only emotions I could feel were negative (depression, hatred, anger). I thought that being sad and angry was how I was going to have to continue to be.

Tenth Avenue North, I Have This Hope:

“Was there purpose for the pain? Did I cry these tears in vain? // But sometimes my faith feels thin, like the night will never end. Will You catch every tear or will You just leave me here?”

When I first heard this song, it was live. It made me tear up. Those questions, I had them. Sometimes I still struggle with them. But, “whatever happens, I will not be afraid ‘cause You are closer than this breath that I take. You calm the storm when I hear You call my name. I still believe that one day I'll see Your face.”

Casting Crowns, Oh My Soul:

“This was the one thing, you didn’t see coming and no one would blame you, though if you cried in private.

If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows. No one will see, if you stop believing. // Here and now, you can be honest. I won’t try to promise that someday it all works out ‘cause this is the valley. And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones. And there will be dancing, there will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone.”

This song was written while the lead singer of the band, Mark Hall, was fighting cancer. Although our “one thing [we] didn’t see coming” was completely different, I still really related to the emotions that this song expresses. I’m not going to lie, I’m still not where I want to be with my faith life. I isolated myself from a lot when I was dealing with it all. I was in the valley for a long time, and I thought it was my new home. But I knew that one day there would “be beauty where beauty was ash and stone,” and THAT is why I held on.

Mandisa, I’m Still Here:

“Thought my best days were gone, yeah. Turns out, that I was wrong 'cause this is my comeback song, yeah. And by the grace of God I'm still here. Hope is rising, waking up my soul. I'm still here. All my broken, turning beautiful. // All my yesterdays are gone and the best is yet to come. // Now I see there's a reason I survived, there's a story still to write. His grace is working everything, everything for my good in a way that, only He could.”

This was another song that the first time I heard it was in concert. It was so new, that I couldn't find the lyrics on the internet, but I continued checking back until it was finally released. This song speaks for itself. There is a reason I SURVIVED.

Need To Breathe, Hard Love:

“You know the situation can't be right and all you ever do is fight. But there's a reason that the road is long, it take some time to make your courage strong. // Hold on tight a little longer. What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger. Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love. You can't change without a fallout. It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down. Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love.”

“What don’t kill ya, makes ya stronger.” If you go back and look at the lyrics to the first song on this list, I almost let depression kill me. It killed every part of me, except my physical being. Depression killed my health, my mind, my emotions, my faith, but “you can’t change without a fallout.” It took a lot of time to make me courageous enough to walk away from the situation that left me dead inside, which leads me to.....

August 13th, 2017. 1:30 PM. Oregon, OH.

The date, the time, the location.

Today.

Redeemed.

Healthy.

Happy.

Strong.

Alive.

You want to know how I know that I’m doing so much better? I still from time to time get asked if I am married yet, and I can answer that without tears. My blood doesn’t boil at the question. I can talk about a year ago and not feel myself getting warm with anger. I can see last year’s situation as a positive. I am now able to be happy for my friends who get engaged/married. I’ve gained weight. I’m thankful that I made the decision to walk away when I did and my mental health thanks me for that as well because I don’t know if I’d be alive right now if I hadn’t.

What should've been a marriage anniversary, is now my mental health anniversary. Today, I celebrate fighting to get to another day, when I didn't enjoy living. Today, I celebrate life. Today, I want you to know that if you are struggling with life, please talk to someone. Trust me, I hated the thought of it too. I didn't want to talk to my own mother about how I was feeling, but I did. If you know someone that is struggling, reach out. Ask them how they are doing and don't let them just say okay, because I bet they aren't just okay. I'm not writitng this for sympathy or applause. I want you to know that even in your darkest hours, there is still a glimpse of hope to continue on. 

Mental health is something to take seriously. Depression is very real. It's not a joke. It takes a toll on every aspect of your life, even getting out of bed. I'm so thankful that even in my darkest moments, I held on to the truth that the Lord would make beauty from the ashes. I still have work to do, but I'm at such a better place than I was a year ago and I'm glad that I am able to see today.

“If your eyes are on the storm, you'll wonder if I love you still. But if your eyes are on the cross, you'll know I always have and I always will." I almost missed out on the views of the future. I have so many exciting things coming up in my life, and I would not have been able to see them if I had let depression take my life. A year ago, if you would have told me that I would be doing fine by next year, I would have laughed in your face. I had such a dark cloud over me that I never thought would leave. Looking back, I'm shocked at how low of a point I was at in life. I cannot imagine being that sad. Today, I'm here to say that I made it through my deepest and darkest valley. 

And by the Grace of God, I'm still here. 

-Brittany 

P.S.

I don’t know if you know Jamie Grace (Christian singer). She has a sister, Morgan Harper Nichols. Morgan  is also a writer like Jamie. Lately, her posts have been on point. I’ve included some that mean so much to me.

“A year ago,

you did not know today.

You did not know

how you’d make it here.

But you made it here.

By grace, you made it here.”

“the light you see in her

comes from a place inside her,

where she learned to believe

even after the most troubling

thing,

she will be okay.”