Spring Is Here || Life Beyond Disappointments
Background
In this life, there are good days and bad. Most of the time
the good days outnumber the bad. I thought this to be true, until last year.
About a year ago is when my life took a turn towards the path of depression.
For about 7 months, I tried to convince myself that things would work out, that
the sadness and emptiness inside would just disappear. In short, my heart was
shattered, for reasons that I will never understand. It was a slow and painful
breaking. It isolated me to my job and then to my apartment. I felt so numb inside
that I had to force myself to eat because I was never hungry. It caused much
sickness, unhealthy weight loss, and doctor visits. I was falling apart waiting
for the day to be put back together.
Moving On
I knew I was sad. I had lost hope of ever being happy again.
When I look back on life then, I honestly do not know how I made it or more
importantly, how I let myself stay for so long in a situation that was
physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. The dreariness that comes
with winter was what I was accepting the rest of my life to be. Depression was
something I had never experienced before and it changed my life. It was like I had
a consistent dark cloud overhead following me around. Nothing made me happy
anymore, smiles were fake, and days were long. When I woke up, I counted the
hours until I would be back in bed again. This was my life, but I knew that I wasn’t
really living.
I’m not really sure what changed, but one day I woke up and
had had enough. I knew what happiness was and I knew who I used to be, and I
wanted her back. I finally decided to do something for myself that I knew in
the long run was the best thing for me (especially emotionally), even though it
was the hardest thing I had ever had to do.
I left the situation that had left me depressed.
Blessings In Disguise
The previous paragraphs didn’t just happen overnight. It has
been almost a year since the “Background” began and only 5 months since the end
of “Moving On.” I had a lot of relief when I decided I had had enough, but it doesn’t
mean that I still don’t struggle. The thing about depression is other people
cannot see that you are hurting, unless you tell them. It’s a silent battle
between your mind and yourself.
I can say that at this moment, I’m no longer walking with a
cloud over my head, but that doesn’t mean that some days my mind doesn’t wonder.
Physical wounds are usually easy to
heal, but mental ones take so much time. I’m learning to be happy again. I’m
learning to love again.
Some things such as crying take me back to those darkest
moments. I must remind myself that I am not in that place anymore and that
crying is okay and that it doesn’t mean what it used to. I’m trying to learn to
not let the little things that would eat me alive, bug me anymore. I’m extra
sensitive to situations now and I’m hoping that is something that will decrease
over time.
Depression changed me so much, and I’m working towards
making sure that it only changed me for the better. I will probably always
wonder why things happened how they did, but I know that in the end, I made the
right choice.
Life is so much more than waking up sad every day. I never
thought my situation would end and the days were so long and lonely. Looking
back, I’m glad that I made it through because I learned things that I don’t know
that I would have otherwise.
There is always a way out of something that you feel stuck
in.
Depression doesn’t have to win.
Life is always worth living.
Valleys are inevitable, but journeying through them makes
you stronger.
You are never alone.
Life beyond disappointments brings healing and joy, although it may be slow.
Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you
lost control
This was the one thing, you didn't see
coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one
knows
No one will see, if you stop believing
Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face
the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this
down
'Cause you're not alone
Here and now
You can be honest
I won't try to promise that someday it
all works out
'Cause this is the valley
And even now, He is breathing on your dry
bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash
and stone
This much I know
I'm not strong enough, I can't take
anymore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it
down)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get
me to shore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it
down)
Can He find me here
Can He keep me from going under
Oh, my soul
You're not alone
(Oh My Soul- Casting Crowns)
I may have been broken, but I am being beautifully mended.
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